It would’ve been painful for both of you, but you’d have been able to do what you needed to do without guilt and she’d have been able to have the kind of relationship that she needs without guilt as well. . ”
But someone who isn’t ready to transition on their own, if they have to, isn’t ready to transition at all, and in that case, the “it’s either this or suicide” isn’t a statement of fact, it’s just a dramatic pronouncement intended to guilt a partner into staying in what for them is an untenable situation.
And it is untenable: a heterosexual woman wants a man, and that’s the one thing we can’t be. We can look the part and even act the part, but it’s not real, and we know it and they know it. It’s painful to have to leave someone you love because you’ll never be able to give them everything they need and deserve. Believe me, I know. But if you do love them, you want them to have the same freedom to be their best selves that you want for yourself, even if it means it’s going to cost you, even if it means it’s going to cost you what you don’t think you can bear to lose. It’s a hard thing to accept, but the truth is that being transgender doesn’t give us a licence to use people: we have no special right to keep people with us by letting them hope that things will go back to the way they were or convincing them that love means limiting themselves and their lives so that we don’t have to limit ourselves or our lives.
I suspect what happened is that you went on with your transition and kept her hanging on through a combination of threats – “If I don’t get to do this, I’ll kill myself” – and good old emotional blackmail – “If you don’t stay with me, you’re a horrible person
I hope your wife was delighted to stay with you or that you loved her enough to make the hard choices. If you didn’t, please don’t refer to yourself as a woman. A woman is an adult, and adults know they don’t have the right to take up years of someone else’s life simply because they don’t want to be alone.
If you did love this woman, I hope you took responsibility for your needs, stopped putting the onus on her to decide your futures and left
I am a wife of a man who will become a woman, and the think I can say to you is that it is hard for a cis straight woman to love a transgender man. You should have not married her specially if you knew her for 5 years and knew she is not a lesbian. It takes a lot of real love and strength to see your partner the way it was before, the man he was will be missing and she will not be happy. A lesbian or bisexual maybe could take all the change and would not miss the man, I hope she is one of those or that she will have a lot of real love and just love you as a person, but my experience is not the same. I can’t love a woman, I can be friends with her, but will never feel romantically attracted to her and making love is more than just spirit or flow of energy it is erotic too and I can’t get aroused by boobs I can get aroused by a man’s body hair, facial hair, strong hands, testicles, his around penis his masculine voice and the masculine behavior. Sex is not just for an orgasm it is a moment when you feel completed by the partner next to you as body and spirit. That is not going to happen when you are with a woman. Maybe lesbian or bisexual can explain better what love is with a woman, but not me because I was never interested. So my advice is if you really love your partner to let her go and let her find the real man who can complete him with mind and body, as much time you invested in the relationship it will take more and has very small percent to be successful and happy. That is my point of view.